


Nightmares

by Kyluxtrashpit (ApostateRevolutionary)



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Angst, Childhood Friends, Friends to Lovers to Enemies, M/M, Memories, Mental Health Issues, Past Relationship(s), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-07
Updated: 2017-12-07
Packaged: 2019-02-11 14:02:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12936819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ApostateRevolutionary/pseuds/Kyluxtrashpit
Summary: Poe finds out who Kylo Ren is by accident. He then tries to reconcile the boy he'd first loved with the monster in the mask.





	Nightmares

**Author's Note:**

> One very mild note: while the sex scene takes place when both Poe and Ben are adults, there is the implication that they had done more mild things before then. It is never stated when or even what they did, but some might interpret this as a mentioning of consensual sex between teenagers and I don't want anyone to be surprised or upset by that
> 
> Also I have not read the Poe Dameron comics so this is probably not accurate to them at all

Poe woke suddenly with a silent scream, soaked with sweat and heart pounding. He was overheated, like his whole body was burning, yet he was shaking, violent tremors that wouldn’t stop no matter how hard he tried. Blindly, he reached for the light control and flicked it on, chest heaving with panting breaths.

It was his third night back on base and the nightmares still hadn’t stopped. The initial torture had hurt, was more than enough to affect him or anybody else, but it was the masked monster that haunted his dreams, the one that had walked straight into his mind and started rooting around like he owned the place. Poe still hadn’t come up with a word that could truly describe the sheer violation and agony he’d felt in that moment, what it was like to be peeled open from the inside of his own head.

Poe sat up, holding his head in his hands and taking deep breaths. He was still shaking, but the quaking of his shoulders had calmed somewhat. It was moments like this that he missed BB-8 the most – the therapy droid turned astromech had been a literal lifesaver for years, originally programmed to help with his depressive episodes. He knew that giving the droid astromech capabilities and bringing it along on missions meant something could happen to it or to separate them, but Poe found the benefits outweighed the risks. It still hurt, though, not only because he didn’t have BB-8 in the moments he needed it, but also because he didn’t know whether the droid was okay or not.

He had to believe it was, though, as with the Stormtrooper – Finn – who’d saved him, and instead focus on himself for the time being. He’d spent enough time dealing with his brain to know that, even if this specific problem was new to him. During the day, he could mostly deal with it, only sometimes finding himself reminded of what he’d endured. He was busy enough trying to help the General and everyone else on D’Qar. But at night, he was defenseless, the flashbacks and nightmares plaguing him every time he closed his eyes and relaxed.

A ragged sigh left Poe’s lips. He’d finally stopped shaking, but he was still worked up, the remembered fear overcoming his exhaustion. No matter how hard he worked himself during the day, it was never enough to give him dreamless sleep, free of the creature that had done this to him. Right now, that was the only thing he wished for.

Unwilling to spend yet another night tossing and turning in sweat-damp sheets, Poe pushed himself out of bed and pulled on a simple shirt with his sleep pants, deciding to go for a walk around the base. It would help keep his mind from getting stuck on the experience and, if he was very lucky, would tire his body enough to allow him to sleep. Even if it didn’t work, it was better than doing nothing.

His pace was relaxed as he left his quarters and headed towards where they kept the X-wings. It was the middle of the night, but Poe couldn’t resist checking in on his new ship, just to see how she was doing. The mechanics took good care of her, but there was always a special relationship between pilots and their ships. He still mourned his old one, destroyed on Jakku, but at least he’d been given a new set of wings. He stroked along the tip of one wing, feeling the solid durasteel under his fingers. It was strangely grounding.

Poe moved on after that, finding himself in the communications area. He greeted the night techs with an easy smile, ignoring their curious expressions at his presence. It was an open secret what had happened to him, but no one knew he still couldn’t sleep at night. Poe preferred it that way, knowing that the more shaken any individual was, the more it would shake the whole of the base. Hope and optimism were the best weapons they had, even when everything looked bleak.

The communications area led to the offices and quarters of the more senior members of the Resistance. The hallway was deserted, as Poe expected at such a late hour. As he meandered down the hallway, however, he heard a familiar voice. Intrigued why General Leia would be awake at such an hour, he continued forward, thinking perhaps he could talk with her. Poe knew the stories of the Rebellion; if anyone could understand what he was going through without being shaken by it or insisting he be taken off duty, it was her.

“It was him, I know it. Even if it hadn’t been in Poe’s report, only Kylo Ren,” she spat the name out quickly, as if eager for it to be off her tongue, “could’ve done something like that. Which means we know where he is.”

He heard the quiet tones of a male voice, one he didn’t recognize, sounding slightly staticky as if from a holocall. Poe stopped, wondering if he should turn back. He hadn’t intended to eavesdrop, especially on a conversation that was tied so deeply to himself.

“I know. I wish Han was around. I know he’d want to hear about this,” Leia said, sounding tired and sad.

The voice spoke again, still too quiet for Poe to hear, and he heard Leia sigh.

“Thank you, Lando. You’re the only one I can trust about this right now. Even after reading the report, knowing everything from now and before… He may have taken a new name, but I can’t help believing there’s still Light in him, still something left of my son in there.”

More words were spoken, but Poe didn’t hear them. He felt all the blood drain from his face. It couldn’t be… She couldn’t mean…

“If I ever get the chance, if I ever find the person he’s become, I have to try to bring Ben home. Even if-”

Poe was hurrying down the corridor and out of the base before he could hear anymore, mind racing and heart pounding. The face behind that mask was Ben Solo? It wasn’t… it wasn’t _possible_. Ben had been a sweet boy, a little shy and a little moody, but very clearly a good person. Good people didn’t just turn into… _that_. It didn’t make any sense.

Ben Solo was the first boy Poe had ever loved. Before learning of who he grew into, Poe would’ve said a part of him still loved Ben, because for all he’d fallen for other men over the years, he fully believed it when people said you never forgot your first. Ben had been that and so much more to him, and even the years without contact hadn’t soured his memories of their time together. They’d been separated by circumstances and naturally drifted apart; their story had neither an unusual nor interesting conclusion.

Except maybe, with this new information, that wasn’t the whole truth of it.

Poe remembered meeting Ben because their parents were friends. Ben had always been a little shy, but all it took was a little friendliness to get him to open up. Poe was particularly good at it, if he recalled, even when they were just children. Many people had told Poe he was easy to talk to, Ben included. It hadn’t taken them long to become friends, especially since Ben didn’t seem to have any others.

They’d grown up together, running and playing and getting into the normal amount of trouble for kids their age. Ben had always looked so sad whenever Poe had had to go home.

_“Don’t worry, buddy,” Poe said, smiling at his friend. “I’ll be back tomorrow after school.”_

That had always seemed to help. It was too bad Ben’s parents had decided to homeschool him, Poe had always thought then. He thought surely Ben would’ve had so many friends if he’d only had the chance. Of course, he hadn’t realized why until years later. Not only was he the son of war heroes, essentially the living embodiment of victory over the Empire whether he liked it or not, but there was also the Force to deal with. It made sense once Poe was old enough to understand it all, but none of it changed the way he saw Ben.

Poe could very easily remember their first kiss, the first for both of them. It’d been when they were just into their teens and they’d been watching some holofilm, something stupid and silly that was supposed to make the audience feel good. The main characters had confessed their secret love for each other and locked lips to the delight of those around them and, presumably, the audience.

_“I wonder what it’s like,” Ben said quietly, like he was mostly talking to himself._

_“What what’s like?” Poe asked, ignoring the movie in favour of his friend._

_“Kissing.” Ben’s cheeks reddened a bit with the words. “But you probably know. You must’ve done it before.”_

_“I actually haven’t,” Poe said, and it was the truth. “I mean, I’ve kissed my parents, but that’s not the same. I’ve had offers, but no one’s felt right yet, you know?”_

_Ben let out a relieved breath at that, though Poe didn’t really understand why. “It looks like it’s… nice. People wouldn’t do it so much if they didn’t like it.”_

_Poe thought about it for a moment. “Do you want to find out?”_

_Ben gaped at him, disbelieving, and he was blushing even harder now. It took him a minute to be able to do anything else, but as soon as he’d composed himself he quickly nodded._

_Poe smiled and sat up, slowly leaning in. Ben was watching him with wide eyes, gaze flicking down to Poe’s lips as he approached. Their lips met and Poe closed his eyes, just holding the kiss, feeling Ben’s soft lips against his own. Neither of them knew what they were doing, but Poe thought it felt nice all the same._

_When he pulled away, smiling, he couldn’t help noticing that Ben’s face was even redder, spread out all the way to the tips of his big ears. It was just so cute and endearing, Poe couldn’t help planting a quick kiss on the tip of his nose, causing Ben to turn impossibly redder. Poe just let out a laugh and grinned wider._

Poe idly wondered if Ben had grown into his ears or if they were still a touch on the large side. It’d been cute when they were younger, but trying to imagine the ears, the blushing face, underneath the chrome and black visage made Poe’s stomach turn. He preferred to imagine the face behind the mask to be twisted and scarred, disfigured so much that Poe wouldn’t recognize a single feature. Then, at least, he could pretend Ben was dead, hadn’t become… _that_.

Ben became bolder after the kiss, seeking out more closeness and touch. Poe hadn’t minded at all, had enjoyed it seemingly as much as Ben did. It didn’t take them long to realize their connection, that this wasn’t just friendship. From then on, their time spent together included far more handholding, cuddling, and light kisses.

It had all been perfect right up until Poe had arrived to pick Ben up for a holo and he’d heard shouting, followed by the sound of something fragile breaking. Alarmed, he’d raced in to see what the commotion was about, hoping everyone was okay. Poe had wasted no time and found Leia in the kitchen, looking weary and sad, next to the shattered remains of several plates.

_“Is everything okay?” he asked, worried._

_Leia looked at him, surprised, and immediately straightened up a little. “It’s alright. Ben is just upset.”_

_Poe frowned. “Where is he?”_

_“In his room. You can talk to him if you like, but please be careful. I’ll be right here if you need me.”_

_Poe didn’t understand why Leia would think he couldn’t handle his own boyfriend, who had also been his friend for years prior, but he nodded all the same. The door to Ben’s room was closed and Poe wondered if he should knock, but decided not to. If Ben wanted him to leave, he’d say so and Poe would go._

_He went in and saw Ben, turned away, sitting on his bed. Ben’s eyes were red and wet when he turned to look, but he visibly relaxed once he saw it was Poe. Poe closed the door behind him and sat on the bed next to Ben. He’d seen Ben cry before – he’d always been an easy crier as a kid – but there was something different about this._

_“Hey, what’s wrong?”_

_Ben sniffled, still keeping his distance, which wasn’t normal. Ben was always very touchy-feely._

_“I’m not your mom. You can always talk to me,” Poe insisted, just wanting to help._

_Ben gave him a watery smile. “They’re sending me away.”_

_Poe frowned. “What do you mean?”_

_“They’re sending me away to my Uncle’s. To learn how to control myself better,” Ben said, getting more worked up with every word. “I told them I can do it here, but they said no. I don’t want to go!”_

_The thought of Ben leaving hurt, but… “Ben, I get it. I don’t want you to go either, but maybe it’s a good idea? Why else would your parents want you to?”_

_Ben inched away, betrayal written on his face as a few more tears fell. “They just want me gone! Isn’t it obvious? They’re never home, they’re tired of me accidentally breaking things when I’m upset, so they’re sending me off to Luke just to get rid of me!”_

_Poe was horrified at just the thought of what Ben was saying. Leia and Han were busy, but they were_ nice _and they were good people. He knew Ben was just upset and saying things he couldn’t have meant, but it made Poe’s chest hurt that Ben could even think that. No wonder he was so upset if he really, truly believed such a thing._

_“Ben…” Poe trailed off, wanting nothing more than to be close to Ben but also knowing Ben didn’t want that right now. “You know that isn’t true. They love you. They only want what’s best for you.”_

_Ben was still frowning, looking unconvinced, so Poe continued, “hey, how about this: we still have time to see the holo. If it’s okay with your mom and you’re up for it, why don’t we just go anyway, forget about all this and have fun for a bit, and then we’ll figure it out after? Okay? How does that sound?”_

_Ben’s face was still red and wet, but he nodded after a pause and took Poe’s hand when offered. Poe smiled at that. He didn’t like the thought of Ben leaving either; kriff, he would miss him, but if it would be better for Ben in the long run, then that’s what Poe wanted. Leia and Han were good people,_ great _people even, and he trusted them. If they were set on this, then there must have been a reason and Ben would come to understand it. But for now, Poe figured they better enjoy what time they still had left before Ben had to go._

Thinking back, that had probably been the moment. Ben had never really gotten over it even after he was shipped off. They’d exchanged messages as often as they could, telling each other about their days and weeks. Poe had missed Ben, even more than he’d thought he would, but the loneliness Ben felt seemed far stronger based on the messages. He didn’t have many positive things to say about where he was or who he was with.

They didn’t end their relationship, though. They’d still been kids, really, unsure of what love was or what it meant other than wanting to be around someone and sometimes kissing them, but neither had wanted it to end. As time went on, Poe had been interested in other men but hadn’t pursued them, feeling like it would be a betrayal. Ben had said he didn’t want anyone else, no matter how many star systems they had between them.

Poe wondered if who Ben was now, Kylo Ren, could still love. Did he have someone? Someone in the First Order perhaps, some Lieutenant or General? The thought sent a chill down his spine. Love was too pure, too human to be felt by such a creature. And based on their one encounter, it was clear there were no lingering feelings for Poe himself.

To distract himself from that disturbing line of thought, Poe thought again of the messages. He still had them all, honestly, filed carefully away on an old datapad. He hadn’t wanted to give them up. Ben had been able to visit a mere handful of times, but the messages made up most of what they had with each other. They had been precious things, even years later, though Poe considered, for the first time, deleting them once and for all.

He still remembered, though, when Ben’s messages started to come less and less frequently, his training apparently taking up too much time. Poe was equally as guilty, if he was being honest. Once he was nearly an adult, Han had offered to teach him and a few other kids how to fly. Poe had been too excited at the time to wonder if the reason was because he couldn’t teach his own son anymore and hundreds of afternoons and weekends had been lost to the skies and the stars that way. It was amazing and he loved every moment of flight.

It was also right before he’d gone to piloting school proper that his depression had first manifested, which had made it even harder to manage everything. And Ben, unfortunately, had fallen to the wayside even more, especially since his messages were also more and more scarce. Poe had told Ben about it, about how some mornings even getting out of bed was nearly impossible.

_I wish I could help you_ , he’d said. _I wish I could be there for you when you need someone to understand or just be with you_. Poe had reread that message especially often, sometimes holding the datapad with it open to his chest in the bad moments.

The rare visits, though, were the true highlights. They never did much other than talk and watch holos – there weren’t any where Ben was – and just be with each other, but those moments were special. Poe cherished every message from Ben, but having him physically there was so much more, even though Ben was often moody, even more so than he’d been before. He always looked so sad when he didn’t think anyone was looking and he got frustrated easily, becoming snappish whenever he had trouble with something. It was worrying, but Ben also refused to talk about it, saying he’d rather spend what little time they had together being happy.

The most memorable was when Ben had come home for his twentieth nameday. If Poe had to guess, it was at Han’s insistence – twenty was the drinking age on Chandrila, after all, though most people had already been to other planets with lower drinking ages and gotten hammered for the first time by then – but he wasn’t about the question such a blessing. It’d been more than a year since he’d seen Ben in the flesh and the messages were coming less and less often. Honestly, Poe had been finding it hard to hang on to Ben when it felt like he was slipping through his fingers.

What he didn’t know at the time, though, was this would be the last time he’d see Ben in the flesh.

_Poe had originally offered to take Ben drinking with the friends Poe had gone with when it’d been his day, but Ben had said no. He’d already been drunk before and he didn’t want to ‘share’, he’d said. Poe had, despite himself, been warmed by the hint of possessiveness. Instead, they’d rented a speeder and drove off into the evening, chasing the setting sun and just going where they wanted to._

_They talked for hours, flying together until the sun was threatened by more distant stars, and it struck Poe how much he missed Ben’s smile and laugh. Was it just their time apart, or did it feel like they were things Ben didn’t do often anymore? Poe’s life was relatively good, overall, even on the days his brain hated him and on the days he missed Ben so much it hurt. But Ben’s life didn’t seem to offer him much, at least not much of what Ben wanted._

_After a while, Poe set the speeder down on an abandoned cliff overlooking the ocean. The sun was halfway set already, painting gorgeous colours on the water below. Both he and Ben climbed out of the speeder, bringing the bag full of junk food they had, and climbed onto the hood of the speeder to watch. Their words were quieter, now, as if both of them were scared of breaking this perfect moment._

_As it got dark, they ate and talked and laughed, eventually laying back and staring at the stars, their hands clasped together. It wasn’t long before the promise of a warm, soft body nearby became too much for the both of them and their lips met, Poe and Ben turning towards each other as one. Hands began to roam, first moving over clothing, but Ben’s hand eventually worked up the courage to sneak under Poe’s shirt._

_Poe pulled away from the kiss before it got out of hand. “We should do this inside the speeder. It’ll be a lot warmer.”_

_Ben nodded, biting his lip. Poe couldn’t help but stare at Ben’s face, at his kiss-swollen lips and messed up hair and wanting gaze. He was sure he’d never seen a more beautiful sight. Poe probably looked similar, but he didn’t care, just happy to have Ben here to do whatever they both wanted to. While they’d fooled around before, both in person and from a distance as best they could, Poe was, admittedly, hoping this would lead to more. He’d saved himself for Ben because there was no one else he’d rather be with, even separated as they usually were._

_They climbed back into the speeder with a little difficulty due to not being able to keep their hands off each other and as soon as they were in, Ben was on him, lips hot and demanding and needy, long legs straddling his lap. Poe wove his fingers into Ben’s hair, pulling him as close as he could, leaving one hand free to creep under Ben’s tunic. Ben shuddered at the contact, whimpering when Poe’s fingers climbed higher to brush over a nipple._

_Something snapped in them both and Ben’s hands got bolder at the same time Poe’s did, reaching under clothes and then pulling them off, seeking every sensitive spot and scrap of skin. Poe learned that Ben particularly liked his ears being nibbled on and Poe loved kisses to his neck and collarbone. They each took their time exploring, going as slow as their mutual desires would let them. There was no rush, nothing to worry about aside from their shared breaths and the taste of each other’s skin._

_When Poe finally reached down to touch Ben’s cock, Ben pulled away with a gasp. Poe stilled, not having meant to do something Ben didn’t want. They were both naked now and Poe had been spurred on by the enticing sight of Ben’s bare skin._

_Before Poe could ask if Ben was okay, Ben was leaning over to rummage in his jacket. Poe just watched, turned on yet relaxed, happy to do whatever Ben wanted to, whether that was stopping here or doing everything to each other._

_Ben finally produced a bottle of lube, blushing just like he had after their first kiss so many years ago. “I thought… If you want… I brought condoms, too, but since neither of us has done anything before…”_

_Poe couldn’t help but kiss him before answering, the hopeful look on Ben’s face too endearing to resist. “Yes. I want this, if you’ll have me.”_

_Ben nodded and then kissed Poe, hungrier than before. Poe’s hand wandered down again, taking Ben in hand and stroking him lightly. Ben’s hips bucked of their own accord, a needy moan escaping his throat. Ben tentatively reached one hand down to return the favour, causing Poe to gasp. Ben’s hand was hesitant, but big and warm and his slow strokes felt more than good._

_Soon enough, Ben pulled away, reaching for the lube. “How do you want to do this?”_

_Poe thought about it, then started moving so he could switch spots with Ben. “Sit here. How about this time I take and next time we can do it the other way? See what we like?”_

_Ben bit his lip again, nodding and then moving into position. Poe took the lube from him and poured some out, spreading it around and then reaching behind himself. He’d done this part before, prepared himself for more, but he’d never actually had another person inside him. It was a heady thrill, especially since it was Ben he was doing it with. The Ben he loved and missed every day. The Ben he looked forward to hearing from even when over a month had passed since his last message. The Ben he’d waited so long to do this with._

_Poe took his time, not wanting to hurt himself in his eagerness. Ben watched, chewing on his lip, hair mussed and face flushed with want. Poe could hardly believe this was really happening, that they were really doing this. After watching for a bit, when Poe was up to two fingers, Ben slicked his hand and reached back to help, gently sliding one of his own fingers in next to Poe’s. Poe moaned at how full he felt, as they both moved as one._

_Once Poe was ready, both he and Ben pulled their fingers out. Poe took some more lube, applying it liberally to Ben’s cock. He knew the first time wasn’t always the best, but he wanted this to be good. He wanted it to be_ special.

_“Ready?” Poe asked and, when Ben gave him an affirmative, gripped Ben’s cock as he slowly slid down onto it._

_Poe shuddered at the feeling. He’d used toys before, but none quite as big and certainly not as warm. It was all he could do to force himself not to hurry and just slam himself down, gripping tightly at Ben’s shoulders. Ben had his hands on Poe’s hips, not pulling, just holding him steady as he lowered himself. They both sighed once he hit bottom, taking a moment to adjust to the overwhelming feeling._

_Once he felt ready, Poe started to move, still staying slow. Ben was panting and moaning beneath him already and Poe couldn’t help but groan each time he took Ben to the root again. It was so good, only a hint of pain that was easy to ignore. Ben just watched him, enraptured, looking as if he, too, couldn’t believe this was actually happening._

_It wasn’t long before he sped up his movements and Ben starting moving his hips too, meeting every one of Poe’s motions. As one, they picked up the pace, the hot feeling inside driving them both towards the end. Neither of them were equipped to last long and Ben suddenly thrust up harder, rutting his hips once, then twice as he came with a moan that almost sounded wounded. Poe sighed at the warm, wet feeling of Ben releasing inside him, still hard but certainly satisfied in his own way._

_Ben took Poe’s cock in hand, then, stroking him off, his grip harder, less hesitant this time, and soon enough Poe was crying out and spilling all over their stomachs. Poe leaned forward, his forehead pressed against Ben’s as they both panted through the aftermath. Poe’s legs felt like jelly and he hoped Ben wouldn’t ask him to move soon._

_“I love you,” Ben whispered, tipping his head up for another kiss._

_Poe returned the kiss, humming into it before they broke apart. “I love you too, Ben. That was perfect.”_

And it had been. As far as first times went, Poe knew he had lucked out. It was only what happened after that made the memory bittersweet.

Ben had had to go back to Luke’s only a few days after that, promising to continue sending messages. And for a time, he did, but the time between them continued to grow. Poe was doing better now, managing his brain and flight school without much of an issue, but it was disheartening to see what he thought was Ben pulling away from him.

The content of the messages, too, was concerning. Ben had always been bitter about being shipped off, but it was worse now, his words dark and angry, talking about how he wished the temple would just burn down. Sick with worry, Poe had eventually told him he should come home, that this obviously wasn’t good for him. Screw the consequences; Ben could stay with Poe if his parents were really going to be that bad about it. Poe didn’t think they would be, but he’d offered anyways.

Ben never responded. After a few weeks of nothing, Poe sent another message, and then another and another. In the end, he’d resorted to just begging Ben to tell him he was okay. If they were breaking up, he could take that, but he couldn’t take silence. He didn’t know if something had happened, if Ben were hurt or worse, or if this was just the end of something Poe had never wanted to let go of.

In the end, Poe had accepted it. On the advice of a friend, he’d sent one last message telling Ben that while he still cared, he couldn’t keep doing this if there was to be no response. He wanted to know that Ben was okay, that he was alive, but he was moving on. Poe had cried the entire time he’d spent typing it. It had hurt so so much to lose the one person he’d thought he could count on, but it had been cleansing. After sending the message, still getting no response, and mourning the relationship, he’d been ready to leave Ben in the past.

Poe joined the New Republic Starfleet, taking on missions and quickly rising to prominence with his skills. He made friends, even had a couple of lovers. His life was good. He had BB-8 to help him with his moods and a whole host of social support. And even though it had been a little rough when he left the New Republic forces to join the Resistance, he didn’t regret it for a second.

He had wondered what had become of Ben, from time to time. A part of Poe had still missed him, even years later. He’d been sure Ben was alive, was sure Leia would’ve told him if something tragic had happened. As much as there were rumours of something going wrong, of Luke’s school being destroyed, he’d always just assumed they were exaggerated or that Ben had managed to survive. Except something tragic had happened, just not in a way Poe had ever considered.

Poe thought again to Kylo Ren, to that inhuman mask and the talent for causing suffering. He thought of what it had been like to be violated in a way he hadn’t previously thought possible, to have his mind, his very _self_ broken open and exposed. He thought of what had run through his head as he was tortured, how no one with any humanity in them could do such a thing. How none of these things showed even a shred of Ben’s endearing smile, or his shyness, or the way he blushed when Poe told him he was cute.

As Poe looked up at the stars above D’Qar, he knew one thing for certain: Ben Solo, the Ben Solo he’d cherished and loved and missed for so long, was dead.

**Author's Note:**

> Come hang out with me on [tumblr](http://kyluxtrashpit.tumblr.com/) too


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